The Shame of Desires and the Martyrdom of Shoulds

How many of the things you do on an average day are things you want to do, rather than things you should / need to / have to do? 

Let’s take it a step further—how many of those things do you desire to do? 

Did that word bother you? It has such sinful and forbidden connotations, doesn’t it? We often feel guilt or shame when we have desires. It’s greedy. Wicked. Selfish. It’s so much more considerate and generous (to everyone but us, that is) to do the things we should do rather than what we desire.

The thing is, when we do the things we desire, we do them wholeheartedly. We do them well. We inspire others with our actions. The energy behind our actions is expansive. We come alive. 

When we do the things we should, we do them to check the box. We may do them well, but the energy behind the action is constricted. Martyr energy.

At this point, you might be thinking, “Fabulous, Yael. What do you want me to do, play tennis all day because I desire it?”

No. I want you to make a list of the things you do today because you should / have to / need to. Get granular. Don’t just write “work”, be specific about what you do at work. Notice what share of your day is spent on “shoulds”. Then get real with yourself. 

What are the things you didn’t really have to do but assumed—or convinced yourself—that you did? What would have been the consequences of not doing them? Would they have been as dire as you thought, or was that a story you were telling yourself?

What can you take off your plate and give to someone else? Pay someone to do, delegate, teach someone to do so you don’t have to do it for them, share responsibilities with someone, etc. 

Could you say no to such activities next time? Turn down requests from people who drain your energy, refuse to take on tasks that aren’t your responsibility, etc.

Be ruthless. Don’t let your mind trick you with guilt or fear stories.

For the remaining activities, can you shift your mindset from “should / have to / need to” to “want to / get to / choose to”? For example, instead of “I need to clean my apartment”, “I get to listen to all the podcasts I love while cleaning”. Instead of “I need to have this one-on-one with my direct report”, “I want to mentor my direct report”. You “choose to” do a favor to someone, not “have to” do the favor. This may feel forced and awkward initially, but over time you’ll see your mindset shift from stress and victimhood (“I have to suffer through all these obligations”) to positivity and empowerment (“some of these things are actually fun!”). I don’t recommend toxic positivity—”I choose to send this check to the IRS in order to avoid jail” isn’t likely to help. There are things in life we do because we have to, but they are fewer than we think. We typically have choices that don’t involve jail or starvation. A small mindset shift can help us focus on the expansive parts of a task and become more present to it—and therefore enjoy it more and stress about it less. It’s also easier to notice what we like doing once we remove the burden of “should” from everything. 

Were you put on this planet to pay bills and sit in Zoom meetings all day? I don’t think so. You were put on this planet to do the things that make you come alive. Try this exercise for a week or two and see if you can’t clear some space to do—or discover—more things that make you come alive.

You know, those selfish things you desire to do.

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