Deconstructing Community
My last post, making the case that choosing a nontraditional / creative career doesn’t mean the death of our ambitions, seems to have resonated with many of you.
One wise reader raised an issue I thought was worth exploring: How can community support us in sustaining a new, ambitious path that is internally led, as we learn to trust our own guidance and not rely on external validation such as work titles?
When I considered this question, I realized we should first clarify what we need community for. It’s a buzzword we all think we understand—but do we?
For most of my adult life, I needed community to weigh, reaffirm, lament, or celebrate my choices. To validate that my way is the “right” way. To commiserate when things didn’t go my way. To feel that I’m not alone on the path.
I wasn’t conscious of that, and I certainly didn’t expect that choosing an unconventional path will change that.
Today, I don’t need community to validate my choices. I don’t know if they are “right” in some general sense, but I know they are right for me. I don’t need others to be on the path, because what matters most is whether the path feels true to me, not whether it’s shared with many others.
Don’t get me wrong—it’s still a great feeling to get validation, to have a shoulder to cry on, or to celebrate wins in community. I’m not some unnatural being that doesn’t want that. But as I developed my internal compass, my relationship to community matured and became healthier.
I developed an alternative to having to solicit multiple opinions—and ideally, approvals: Feeling or knowing that a decision is right for me.
I used to ask my community for advice when I didn’t know what to do. Now if I don't know, it’s likely not yet time to know: I’m much more at peace with not making a decision when none of the options feel right. Deciding to wait is a decision (even if it makes others uncomfortable).
As I freed myself from the codependent relationship I had with my community, my community changed a lot. It’s natural—when what we need from our relationships changes, sometimes they grow, and other times they end.
Like everyone, I want a community to feel closeness and a sense of belonging. But now my community is less of a crutch and more of an expander and a mirror. It teaches me, pushes my thinking, and shows me where I still need to grow.
What do you need community for?
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