More on the Pursuit of Inner Peace vs. Happiness

My post “The Pursuit of… What?” generated some beautiful responses from readers curious about what “inner peace” means. Some thought it might be a boring state, or a state where we don’t truly “live” or fully experience emotions; others interpreted it in their own way using different words and concepts than I did. I thought it would be interesting to elaborate more on this topic to see if it helps trigger more thoughts about the question I originally posed - what are you pursuing in your life?

First, I’d like to clarify that whichever state we pursue is usually asymptotic - it’s not something we can get to and stay in constantly (unless we’re fully enlightened, a state I personally have no aspirations to achieve). 

Inner peace is being the empowered adult I previously wrote about. It comes down to two key elements: Not needing external validation in order to maintain a desired inner state, and responding to life rather than reacting to it. 

Knowing who we are and then staying true to ourselves in everything we do regardless of external opinions and outcomes is a practice. We’re so conditioned to look outside of ourselves for validation that we have to consciously train ourselves not to do it, and as with any other practice get better over time.

For example, I publish this blog hoping to inspire you, dear reader, to think more deeply about your own life. But writing is inherently an internal process, a need to express something I think should be out in the world, regardless of whether people read it, like it or have any use for it. It doesn't mean I don't love having more readers or hearing your feedback - I’m truly happy and excited when you respond to what I write. However, our society inextricably ties any creative process to “success metrics" such as page views or email open rates, and I aspire to be at peace with myself as long as I express what I want to, regardless of its reception and metrics.

I don’t think we experience emotions less deeply as we become more at peace; rather we experience less unnecessary drama - those emotions that flare up and linger when we attribute too much meaning to external opinions and outcomes. We get a bad review and are angry for a week, or get a good review and are elated for a day (negative emotions tend to stick much longer than positive emotions). Both imply that our inner state is controlled by external circumstances. More peace means less of those types of emotions, because we learn to shorten the drama cycle and are not as disturbed by things that used to bother us in the past. If anything this can help us feel more deeply - we love people for who they are rather than how they related to us recently, we enjoy the creative process for its own sake, we are more present and notice more beauty around us because we’re less distracted by what someone said etc.

Peace also means responding rather than reacting. It means becoming more accepting of the things in life we have no control over rather than fighting what is, and taking action based on who we are rather than reacting out of a temporary emotion. For example, if we have health issues, when we learn to move quickly from victimhood ("how could this happen when I live such a healthy life?") to acceptance, it's a lot easier to get better ("it is what it is, now what do I do about it?"). If we win the lottery tomorrow we’d be less likely to buy a Ferrari to feel better about ourselves and only buy it if we absolutely adore fast cars. If we’re responding to life, having more money can certainly enhance the life we want to live, but will not fundamentally change our level of happiness, because our day to day is already pretty balanced.

So why don’t I strive for happiness? Although it works for some people, seeking happiness is saying that we’ll only be ok when life is good, an approach that is very susceptible to circumstances. A sense of peace is antifragile - it’s not only resilient to life’s stressors and shocks, but actually grows stronger as a result of them. That said, I believe seeking inner peace does optimize happiness, because it leads us to feel full agency over our life, express ourselves more freely and flow with life more smoothly. To me there’s no better way to live.

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