Take Up More Space
I’ve always loved huge paintings. Monet’s Water Lilies taking up a whole room at the Orangerie. Jenny Saville’s fleshy women towering over me.
After a 20+ year hiatus in my painting practice, I resumed it with a 30”x40” painting, followed by 36”x48”, 48”x60”, and 48”x72”. An experienced artist commented that it’s unusual for artists early in their career to paint this large, which I found curious but immediately dismissed.
A few months ago, I had a mentor tell me, “I see you painting B-I-G museum pieces.”
Now, B-I-G museum pieces are… the stratosphere of the art world. There’s the tiny hurdle of becoming good and renowned enough for a museum (or a large enough gallery) to show your work. You need a big studio. You need major collectors to buy your work.
The moment my mentor said this was a record scratch moment. Something shifted and then clicked into place. I intuitively knew I wanted that. I want to paint B-I-G. By now, I’m experienced enough to notice and listen to that intuitive reaction and not to the thought that came barely a nanosecond later—“Oh, I could never do that!”
Up to that point, it didn’t occur to me that I could paint one of those huge pieces I love. I thought I had big aspirations, but in fact, I was still keeping myself small, censoring my dreams by not even letting them reach my conscious mind. I put a limitation on myself because I’m self-taught, because I’m starting my art career later in life, because I could never be as good as… I couldn’t imagine taking up that much space, literally and figuratively.
But hearing my mentor utter this sentence so matter-of-factly, as if it was already done, tapped into those unconscious dreams and made me realize, why not? Not tomorrow, not next month, or next year, but at some point—why not aim for that?
Nothing visibly changed in my painting practice since. I’m still painting in the same-sized Brooklyn apartment that can only accommodate a certain scale of work. But I started thinking about my work differently. I look at the work of other artists differently, considering, for example, what makes an exhibition exciting vs. simply a showcase of good art. I’ll keep ruminating on this dream and working towards it for years to come. But the shift in my identity as an artist has begun.
Am I deranged to think I can achieve this dream? Possibly. Will it ever happen? I have no idea. But my perspective broadened, and I deepened my understanding of my practice and of what makes for a good body of work. Even if I only ever show at a local coffee shop, it will be a much better show than it would have been otherwise. And for that, I’m happy to be labeled “delusional”.
Where are you playing small when your true self would like to play big? Do you have people in your life who can help you see your blind spots?
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