“The More You Find Yourself the More Friends You’ll Lose”

I found this quote by artist and author Timothy Goodman (there’s even a print) to be only too true. When embarking on a growth path, you know you’ll have to take risks and break patterns of thought and behavior. The challenge that’s rarely discussed is being surrounded by people who don’t understand what you’re going through—and sometimes don’t want to.

As you grow, your worldview, beliefs, and actions may change, but your need for support and understanding stays as human as it’s always been. To address that need, you share parts of your journey with friends and family.

When I did that, the outcome was nearly binary.

My relationship with some people had deepened. They were curious about the process I was going through, opened up to me about their own process, and together we found a new basis for closeness and understanding.

With others, including some I considered close friends, I found a complete lack of interest. I got “that’s nice” responses for anything I was doing outside the norm, with little curiosity to find out more. Some people actively avoided any discussion about looking for purpose or taking on creative projects, nodding politely and changing the subject. I eventually realized that discussing my experience required them to question their own status quo, and was far outside their comfort zone. It was less disruptive to maintain the relationship with my past self.

At times I felt sad. At times I felt frustrated at my inability to make them understand. At all times I didn’t feel seen.

I’ve spoken to other people who had similar experiences. The loss of social connectedness is one of the most compelling reasons to pull back from this journey and go back to a socially acceptable, familiar lane. It was difficult to feel disconnected from a good number of people in my life. What kept me going was the knowledge that I wouldn’t solve anything by going back—I couldn’t “unbecome” myself.

Friendships and relationships have to change as you change. Those that are flexible enough—survive, and those that aren’t—don’t. I was used to that being the case when people moved, got married, or had kids; it never occurred to me that it could happen if I tried to find myself.

To stay in some relationships I had to be someone I wasn't. I was no longer in the business of doing that.

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